The other day I reflected on the changes going on in my life and how I use simple rituals to move through the fears. I also spoke about several online classes I took in preparation for moving my dreams, my passions forward. Those classes brought with them their own set of fears, needs, and ah ha moments.
Life has always brought to me many of the same concerns, fears, and needs that others experience. And to some it seems like I am just sailing down the river… well shit sherlock not always true. I have acquired a keen sense of what can ail me in certain junctions or scenarios. I acquired this sense by really spending time getting to know my still small voice - My Soul.
The writing class I am taking has a piece of daily work called morning pages. It is really the trash can where all those thoughts, lies, negative beliefs go so that the real creativity floats to the top. Well what also shows up for the trash can are those moments in your life where you may have had soul loss. And on one day this week up sprang the imagine of me trying desperately to spit out an A&W order I wanted to place. Now I am not 8 years old placing this order, I am a licensed teenage driver. I discovered a profound fear of talking into mechanical devices when I needed to acquire a service, advise, find information or just plan order a burger during puberty. I was deathly afraid of calling someone and appearing like I did not know what I was talking about or how to ask a question of them. This then led to a fear of talking into the speaker to acquire a simple lunch order. If I was talking directly to the person,,,,,, not one bit of fear. I eventually worked through the fear without the help of my laughing brothers but apparently something was still there.
This fear still was lying deep within my psyche. Is it really a fear of "oh my god I have to talk to a stranger"? Hell no there isn't a stranger in my life. It is really the fear of not being able to physically see what they think of me. Sounds silly, I know. But a serious block to creativity and …. shit life for that matter!
For those who know me, there is so very little I am not willing to do. I quit a well paying job and moved to follow my dreams, train people, hold workshops, offer one/one sessions, work customer service like it has never been worked, and generally know exactly how to welcome and ease others into pretty scary places. You see back then it wasn't the fear of the unknown it was the fear of showing how much I may not know and being laughed at… something I am sure most of us have experienced. Growing up in a very competitive home with expectations of being brighter than your sibling for someone sensitive built many defenses, fears, and blocks. So now this piece that I thought had been covered in previous deep work is up front and center asking me to see it.
Being a shamanic practitioner I looked to see if it would require deep work and surprisingly I found that the deep work had been done. What was needed was an embracing and welcoming of this young woman. This young woman needed a voice and recognition of her sensitivity and needs. Puberty brings with it so many changes that can baffle and challenge you. Having no where to go or no one to seek guidance adds layers that eventually need to be cleared. All the prior healing work I had done and the deep relationship with my soul combined with a bloodhounds nose, I can quickly and smoothly recognize the issue, source the solution, embrace it, and welcome the next adventure. Traveling through my life with my soul leading brings balance, joy, fulfillment and awe. The ingredients to a stellar life where the right answers aren't needed.
I gave this young woman a voice with my morning pages. I gave her an embrace and told her there was no reason to know everything. I told her how what I knew I knew with all my heart and this life isn't a test to see who comes out with the most A's. My life is about joy, experience, heart, and fun. I told her the race never ends until our last breath so whatever we want to learn we have plenty of time. Embracing her I assured her there is no shame in not knowing the answer. And finally I told her the joy is in discovering the question. And then ….. she talked…..
The Soul Traveler