So I have tried to post, write, spew, anything for the past 6 months... and as you can see NADA!
So what gives? Nothing really gave I just had to walk through releasing the known to get to here. It hasn't been a cake walk, more like a merry-go-round, repeat, repeat, repeat. Kind of like a constant rinse cycle. Get the dirt out, add fresh water, spin, spin and spin till you are certain the dirt is out only to find another spot. So back you go again.
Till finally it dawned me I was afraid of letting go of the familiar! The pain in my arse, non-fulfilling familiar. Go figure. Well I did and I still found myself reacting to my dear friends new endeavors, feeling that nasty hit you get from your ego that says a myriad of things that are not true. I really was happy for them but I knew by my reaction that my lovely ego had taken the lead. This wasn't ok with me but it was a pattern long-held.
So what to do? When in doubt I journey, sometimes knowing I just may get my arse kicked by my guides, Yes even the angelic one.... But off I went expecting the shake up and instead getting a moment with them deep in reflection sitting in my special place looking out onto the Cosmos, breathing, breathing, and just feeling. Flashes of past ways, times when I wrote daily, sometimes several times a day, times of ridicule which when they passed I scooped up the Soul piece cradling it into me, times of just looking, watching, knowing. Eventually the journey came to an end; an end only for that moment. Thanking my guides I returned to my room checking to see if a miracle had happened. Had I changed? Had I acquired volumes of words to share with everyone?
Nope. I was still here being me. A miracle? why perhaps since I am back at it this morning ;-)
What had happened is I found that my ego could go back into the back seat even after it had been driving for what seemed ages. That my soul knows best for me, that it never leaves, only sits quietly holding me in the most profound love and presence. Allowing me to grow, slip-slide, and dance forward. My soul is my best friend, is me in all my ecstasy, is willing to let go of the familiar, and is always, always there for me.
So writing again? Yes, I am willing and ready to share my thoughts, my struggles, my accomplishments, my quiet moments, my true travels with my soul. It is a big step, one that has been long in coming, one that means far more than the story tells, one that required a story to be rewritten, one that places me out, out in the wild, wild world where the wild things roam, a place that welcomes me, a place that wants me, a place that is home to me and so many dear people.
I write now because it is who I am. A storyteller. I take what is and make it what it really is. Don't ask me how, don't get into my head, just listen to the story and allow.
I am not some wise guru or someone to worship. I am you, I am me, I am soul.
This mornings story comes today because I stopped hedging my bets. I took the pattern and twisted it up. I literally called into work stating I had a headache. More like a body ache. (Now listen I am not telling you to call in sick every day you want to change a pattern - you can change patterns on weekends). I waited and listened and when I felt that moment when my mind and body were relaxed I got up, poured a cup of coffee, sat outside quietly, spied my special hummingbird drinking from his feeder and knew the moment was ripe. I grabbed my literally brand new laptop (its purchase is another story for another day) and started. Once this is completed for the hour, I will walk my morning walk, shower, dress, and head into work. I have gratitude for the job that pays and tends to all the necessities of daily life, I no longer view it as the piece that stops me from "what I want to do really", and I will use every non-filled moment at work to write. If Harry Potter can be written on scraps of paper, hell I can write a blog!
For some reason, I want to end today with Peace Out. Gotta be a story in that .....